3rd Scan good!

No news - is good news. Maryse had her 3rd scan since finishing chemo about 15 months ago, and all is well and clear. This post is just so that those following the Being Maryse blog know what we know. All is healthy and happy, working hard and most appreciative for each moment and each one of you who care. Merci.

Scan 2 is good!

We've already  had many wonderful expressions of congrats that Maryse 2nd scan was clear. I guess that she didn't post because it's her suspicion that no one is look is looking at this anymore.

I suspect that there are many friends who are using this avenue to follow her journey, so, if she won't, I will.

The scan was Thursday 4th Nov. I had been very anxious, and I don't know why. Maryse's health has been great, and energy fine, but somehow... The first scan after chemo was clear, but I thought that right after lots of doses of toxic stuff, all the bad stuff would be negligible. But somehow, given the way her hair returned with a vengeance, maybe some other growing cells might be recovering too. I don't voice this stuff, because I am the skeptical / cynical / nay-saying one. And I don't want to add to my disrepute. 

from Steve

Just to say that all is well, although I am freezing my butt off here in Cape Town, while Maryse is off luxuriating in the light and warmth of France and Belgium. Maryse seems to be enjoying  a lovely hot summer at luxury facilities as she works the Johnson & Johnson executive women's ASCEND programme. Of course, I love the cold, especially in our un-heated house wrapped in double fleecy layers.

But all is well, and we trust that it shall be so.

Coming out of the curve

Happy news indeed! Thank you for all the joyful responses. I experience this current ‘clear status’ as partly the result of the intimate threading of the rings of love and active support around me. Also the powerful attitude of openness and trust – as one of you put it, in wishing me well before the scan ‘may today be joyful whatever the ‘results’ show.’ I think that is a key to this mysterious process. I am still on the same road.  The landscape has changed and my resilience and experience of personal freedom is much much more palpable.

I am so glad that we did book our tickets to Croatia last year as a way of putting a stake in the ground of the future; knowing that if I couldn’t go, then losing some money was really not madly important. Making the booking was. So soon, very soon, we are off on this happy holiday with friends, to celebrate the life of one particularly awesome friend while delighting in beauty and pleasure. Eeeeeehhhhaaa!

Maybe as Steve says, he has, amongst all the other amazing things that he has done, been carrying the shadow for me. I don’t know. I do know that I have been acutely aware of doing what I can to be clear and not to deny aspects of this experience and the implications of it. There is always that voice that does say to me – hey giving thanks all the time is just a copout to really facing the dark. I don’t think so.  I have also been playing with the wonderful ‘Amy’ question in Nancy Kline’s book: what do you know now that you will discover in a year? It is a brilliant question designed to dismantle denial.  Well I know now that there is cancer in my body (as there is in everyone’s) I also may die of this disease or I may not; in a year I will have experienced another year full of shifts and changes no doubt; I know now that the foundations of my living are strong and flexible and that they will support me as life brings me new experiences.

These are some of thoughts passing through at this time – My heart is light as I step into the new part of this road. It has been 9 months since the cancer diagnosis in August. The cancer has dissolved layers of crust that hampered my expression… there is still a way to go. I believe that I am quite equipped to take on what else is to come. That may be about letting go of the cancer identity and no longer being ‘noticeable’; no useful ‘cancer card’ to pull out at times of convenience! Whatever, I am happy.

I trust you are not tired of hearing me thank you. Navigating this experience has been hugely supported by the consistent input of each one who chose to engage in their own particular and genuine way. Being in someone’s thoughts and heart matters. Even if there was a very light link with that person – met you once or so, the connection has life substance in it. When that life substance is focused in a particular direction with intention and love – something wholesome happens. I am convinced of that.

 I believe that I played my part in owning my experience pretty well. The point that I am attempting to make is that I view this cancer experience and its current result as ‘collective work’ in certain ways. Conscious clear hearted intention coupled with openness to result is impactful. My experience has been about living inside a vibrant field/network. Obviously we live within vibrant networks/fields all the time. Having any kind of experience that pushes at the edges makes this vibrant field all the more real. 

I just found this great quote, having used the metaphor of the ‘road’ and its ‘curve’, it is really apt: “The bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you refuse to take the turn.”
Blessings to each one.

GOOD SCAN!

By George!.. That's where we were this last weekend - by George, in the Wilderness. If this is cryptic you are not from South Africa. Just back from a relaxing - invigorating weekend getaway for Maryse and me, using the cover of M's speaking at a Body Stress Release conference in the Wilderness.

Except for the actual 3 hours when she was doing her very well received talk on the Thinking Environment, the beach beckoned for long walks on pristine deserted strand, except for the occasional para-glider sliding over our heads, and the minions of dead jelly fish. Good exercise, excellent restaurants round about, organic market  with lots of tie-dyed / leather craft / wood carvings right out of 1970s. (And I know, 'cause I was there) Great weekend but at the back of my mind was the big dark cloud of dread as we came up to Maryse's scan to determine whether the cancer had shrunk, remained the same or spread.

Upcoming scan May 4th

I just read through my blog entries of the last 8 months. It is a good story. Lately I have been having very strong recall of some experiences and moments – the Van P’s bringing a French picnic for a Sunday lunch; utter weakness while strolling in Kirstenbosch; my 6oth birthday party; Valerie appearing in full protective kayak regalia after her first Cape river/canal adventure; moments and moments..the shock of that phone call telling us the results; Steve's face when he heard; the practical almost picnic-like preparation for the chemo sessions.. and on and on. When I see pictures of bald me it already seems like another person, as do the pictures of me pre-cancer. It is quite fun and useful to have images that depict different eras of growth and learning. My heart-vision of continuously becoming more and more myself is working.

Aware of preparing for my CAT scan on Tuesday. Until then my days are totally taken with work and part holiday as we travel up the Garden Route for a few days that include my giving a workshop at a conference near George. I feel very OK about the scan. Sometimes the thought comes that we may find more cancer in the liver.. but I feel so well and strong that it is hard to imagine that the cancer cells are multiplying even though there is a chance that they can. The only thing that is disturbing me a little is the idea that it may be difficult to put the iodine drip up since my veins are really in a bad way and I believe that they don’t return to their former glory! Deep breathing will see me through.

I notice that whenever I feel something not quite physically right, I wonder if cancer has crept into another organ.Imagination starts creating stories and I have to consciously bring myself back to the present moment . Other than that I never really think about the cancer at all. I am aware that my eating pattern has not been an easy one for my poor liver. I am back to loving sweet stuff, the occasional cup of good coffee, and other not-ideal stuff.  I had a 'think' about my eating habits and came up with this liberating incisive question: If I knew that I love life more that I love 'dead' food how will I shift ? It is fine if it does not make sense to you – it only has to make sense to me! It works on occasion.

I wanted to connect with you all before this next step because your surround is such an integral part of my journey. A personal sense of autonomy over my own experience coupled with rings of utter love and support - Steve and daughters, friends and then other circuits of caring connection, seems to be a magic formula for journeying this path.
I will write again to let you know the results on Tuesday.
Meanwhile enjoy the picture of the Barak family taken on the day that Deborah returned to New York.

shifting gears

Yes, it is a whole month since my last post. A full and wonderful month it has been with my hair growing back beautifully.The eyebrows that I have been longing for have returned, and now even my eyelashes have put in an appearance. I feel physically very strong and fit.

A month ago when I got the results of my scan I had a very different experience from all those around me. I was surrounded by people's huge delight and celebration for the news. My response as I described was happy and modest - it just felt like the next step. I even stepped on to the edge of feeling guilty that I was not as overjoyed as others. Certainly, I felt content and assured. What kept going through my mind was a quote from the Bhagavat Gita - 'In joy not overjoyed, in sorrow not dejected'.  It is not a loss to not experience 'overjoy'. For me, having the experience of that kind of huge joy is a response to the surge of adrenalin that comes with deep relief that one's hidden fear has been wrong all along. So in a way, it is more about relief  than delight. I don't know if that makes any sense to you. I didn't experience  'relief' because I hadn't feel anxiety. When I do come face to face with that fear and the rush of adrenalin is when our daughters are experiencing sorrow or big difficulty in their journeys. To maintain my internal balance and equanimity in the face of this remains a real challenge for me. Parenting is one of the forever learning journeys!

Happy day!

Thank you for all the great messages of support for today's scan and then the delighted ones at the results. You guys do your work so very very well! You have a HUGE impact on my health.
I felt good this morning as we went off for the CT scan. I sensed that it would be good news with some cancer spots remaining.
It was difficult to get into my vein for the iodine injection - the chemo has really damaged these helpful blood avenues. Finally I was hooked up and the iodine flowed - this time I anticipated the very weird heat sensation that comes with that solution and makes you feel like you are wetting yourself!
A couple hours later Steve, Deborah and I  met with the locum oncologist. A sweet sincere young man who was warm and connective. My results were great as you know. The doctor was clear that we should not expect all the cancer to disappear but that for now we stay aware of the situation, that I keep doing what I love, eating healthily and going to gym and be HAPPY. That is easy.
Talia was waiting for us at home and we decided that one way of being happy together on this gorgeous Cape Town day was to go to Boulders and swim with the penguins! And we did. See the pic. I cannot remember the last time that the four of us were on the beach together. It was glorious. While driving home Steve described how for the first time in months he felt that he could breathe fully.
My upcoming weeks are full of work mostly away - but it is the stuff of meaning and purpose and it certainly makes me happy. Having Deborah here again is a blessing indeed. 
No profound thoughts .. happy delight that I am where I am with the special ones around me, and hair that is growing.

GREAT SCAN RESULTS!

Maryse has just had the results of her scan, and the six spots on her liver have reduced to 3 and those are much smaller. This is an excellent result - AND we have to keep monitoring and aware.

She will have checkups every three months to watch the situation- but the advice is "Go live and be happy" which is probably the same advice that they would have given if the result had been bad. Probably is the best advice anybody could get, Hey?

So, there it is. That is all for now, the Barak family is going to go out for a little beachy celebration or something. No doubt Maryse will post in a little bit.

beginning eyebrows!

Yes it has been quite a long time since I last wrote. Meanwhile I see that there are a number of new people who have joined - welcome!

It is 3 weeks since my last (and final) chemo treatment and I am feeling GREAT. I swear there are tiny tiny hairs growing where my eyebrows are supposed to be. This pleases me immensely. I have become quite good at placing my false eyelashes so that they almost look real, and my hair is growing - about 5mms straight up and white!

Yesterday I was gifted with two gorgeous books: CrazySexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr and Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor also by Kris Carr. They are clever, useful, witty and touching. The author is in her early thirties so it is very orientated to that age - but the spirit of it just sparkles and last night as I was looking through them I was so enchanted by her energy and creativity. I resonated with the realistic and life affirming stance. And it made me laugh. (www.crazysexycancer.com)