Upcoming scan May 4th

I just read through my blog entries of the last 8 months. It is a good story. Lately I have been having very strong recall of some experiences and moments – the Van P’s bringing a French picnic for a Sunday lunch; utter weakness while strolling in Kirstenbosch; my 6oth birthday party; Valerie appearing in full protective kayak regalia after her first Cape river/canal adventure; moments and moments..the shock of that phone call telling us the results; Steve's face when he heard; the practical almost picnic-like preparation for the chemo sessions.. and on and on. When I see pictures of bald me it already seems like another person, as do the pictures of me pre-cancer. It is quite fun and useful to have images that depict different eras of growth and learning. My heart-vision of continuously becoming more and more myself is working.

Aware of preparing for my CAT scan on Tuesday. Until then my days are totally taken with work and part holiday as we travel up the Garden Route for a few days that include my giving a workshop at a conference near George. I feel very OK about the scan. Sometimes the thought comes that we may find more cancer in the liver.. but I feel so well and strong that it is hard to imagine that the cancer cells are multiplying even though there is a chance that they can. The only thing that is disturbing me a little is the idea that it may be difficult to put the iodine drip up since my veins are really in a bad way and I believe that they don’t return to their former glory! Deep breathing will see me through.

I notice that whenever I feel something not quite physically right, I wonder if cancer has crept into another organ.Imagination starts creating stories and I have to consciously bring myself back to the present moment . Other than that I never really think about the cancer at all. I am aware that my eating pattern has not been an easy one for my poor liver. I am back to loving sweet stuff, the occasional cup of good coffee, and other not-ideal stuff.  I had a 'think' about my eating habits and came up with this liberating incisive question: If I knew that I love life more that I love 'dead' food how will I shift ? It is fine if it does not make sense to you – it only has to make sense to me! It works on occasion.

I wanted to connect with you all before this next step because your surround is such an integral part of my journey. A personal sense of autonomy over my own experience coupled with rings of utter love and support - Steve and daughters, friends and then other circuits of caring connection, seems to be a magic formula for journeying this path.
I will write again to let you know the results on Tuesday.
Meanwhile enjoy the picture of the Barak family taken on the day that Deborah returned to New York.