2010 and the last chemo

This is a most wonderful holiday. Long days of leisure, no appointments to keep, reading novels, time at beautiful Stanford Valley, friends and family... It is a deep rest time with sunshine getting into the bones and even making my head a gentle brown. Tomorrow we return to Stanford Valley for another 3 days with friends and family to welcome the new year and let the old year go with  a sense of blessing and gratitude for what has been. It is good to make space for the new.
We return on Sunday and early the next day I will have a blood test to check out my blood count. If it is high enough I will have my last chemotherapy treatment. It is 18 weeks since I began. I was remembering the first session and the subsequent intense and deep fatigue - the nature of which has never returned. I remember Marian massaging my sore back and later gently attempting to get me to eat a slice of toast. How different everything is now. My body is strong and vigorous, my fitness is slowly building up and my appetite is enormous! All my hair is gone - yes all - and I have developed a little expertise in placing my false eyelashes on more or less correctly. My head is tanned - same colour as my face and I feel confident walking around without a head covering.

It feels strange coming to the end of the chemo sessions....

gorgeous summer

A whole full week has gone by since my last entry. It has been a very full time. Working 2 days after chemo was harder that I expected. My low energy was not helped by the fact that I was the only one staying in this vast and empty conference centre and our workshop was the only one happening. It was as if extra energy was required to make up for the sense of void in the rest of the place. Still it all worked out in the end and I knew that I just needed one further push for the facilitation that I had scheduled for the next day... p  u  s  h ... And even as I was doing that I could feel my natural energy returning. It is such an extraordinary sensation when the turn-around happens. It is as if many, many cells that have been dormant or maybe flattened by the chemicals, start to revive and begin to generate their own energy. I feel rivers of life begin to flow through me - and everything changes.

The holiday time has begun, with relaxation and much festive eating with different ranges of friends and family.

My biggest challenge at this time? Learning to put on my false eyelashes...

Into the last stretch

Yes I had my chemotherapy on Friday - all the good chants and songs for a higher blood count worked! I got the call that chemo was on and with great enthusiasm packed my bag for a day of 'relaxation'. One try on my left hand vein - no go - so the drip went into my arm but it is clear that the veins on that side are ruined. Next and last time will be on my right hand. Thanks for all of you who kept thinking of the golden honey flowing through ...

Some fatigue and yukki taste in my mouth and all is well.

I fly to Johannesburg this afternoon for a day's work tomorrow, one more  work day after that and then it is holiday time!! Yay! My last chemo session is supposed to be on January 4th and then a month following that I will have a scan to see the state of the liver.

My brain is very fuzzy, not much coherent thinking going on, but always the spirit of appreciation for your consistent and loving support, and for the mystery of life itself.

No Chemo Today

Thank you all for your wonderful messages of  'golden honey flowing in my veins' but it is not to be today.

I am feeling so frustrated - I thought I would write immediately so that ease can return. Yesterday my blood test results indicated that my blood count was too low to have chemo. Early this morning I returned for another blood test and had my time with the doctor who said all was well on examination although the blood results were still not in yet. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Just got the call that one important aspect of the white blood count is too low and I must wait until Friday.

What is hard, is that there is nothing I can actively do to generate my white blood cells - and that I have carefully organized meetings, work etc. around my chemo date! Ahhh, the best laid plans, and all that. There is also the girding up for the vein searching, all levels of preparation for the chemo event. The doctor said that it is quite usual as one gets further into the chemotherapy, for the body to take longer to generate white blood cells. Meanwhile I continue feeling strong and active - and that is a very very good thing.  And...

new thoughts

Tomorrow is chemo no. 5 - if my blood count is good. I hope it is. My body is strong and getting fit, my muscles slowly regaining their tone. Sometimes this thought flashes by: "If my body is so resilient and strong, maybe the cancer cells are too". As I said, it just flashes by.

My work in Johannesburg and Pretoria last week went very well. Once a 'container' is set, an ethos of respect is engendered  - and genuinely agreed to - people willingly show themselves, their stories, their best thinking and naturally appreciate one another. For me, as facilitator, this is real 'food' - of a certain kind. It lifts my heart and deepens my belief that human beings are indeed worthy and courageous. Excellent and meaningful conversations begin to happen.

At the end of the first day of that workshop, a Muslim woman came to speak to me, her head fully covered in her black headdress. She said that she wanted to show me something and took her head covering off. Her thick' curly shoulder length hair freely tumbled out, and she said: "Five years ago - I was just like you, I had lost all my hair, my eyebrows and my lashes. I wanted to show you how wonderfully it all grows back."  A gift.

toward chemo 5

It has been a blissful time with Deborah..
It is week 3 since my last chemo, I feel vigorous and strong and am preparing to go to Johannesburg today for some new work - a little unknown and challenging. I have discovered a new level of inner assurance with regard to my work. The last 3 months have provided me an entry way to a quality of confidence that has little to do with expertise or learning. The best way to describe it is to use the beautiful words of one my participants in a recent programme. When asked what she was assuming that enabled her to do something very challenging and high stakes, she said, after thinking quietly and deeply, "I am enough".  That brought tears to my eyes and I have not forgotten it. I think that is the source of this assuranceI feel - a key assumption that provides a sense of ease and freedom. So, although I am full of anticipation about how this new workshop will turn out, my anxiety level is not at all what it used to be. Maybe I have at last accepted that my own centering will always support me in finding creative ways of holding dialogue space in which people can easily connect one with another.
Blessings to each one of you.

Hair Loan

Darling Daughter Deborah departed for NYC, but not before sitting back-to-back and loaning her mother some hair momentarily. Yea! - Deb's plan is to come back to CT in February for a couple months. What a pleasure it was to have to her with us and to have her returning, if only for a while.

Meanwhile, personally, I prefer Maryse' clean-head look to the long brunette style. But that's me... 

Celebrating Deborah!

This has been a week of delight! Much entertaining in our cool and lush garden- friends, family, joyful ease and laughing conversations. I have 'come out' as a bald headed woman! Strange looks from some when walking in shopping centers and I am still surprised when I see myself in a mirror as I walk. But summer has really begun here and it is good to have a cool head!
Talia bought me some false eyelashes and we are learning to put them on.. Steve bravely attempted to paint on my eyebrows on Wednesday evening... 

4th chemo done!

Yes!! Only two more chemo sessions to go! And I am doing well.
It was very special to have Deborah with me for a few hours during Wednesday's chemo session.
I learned that chemo flowing through the veins damages them in some way and that makes it harder to locate a good one and to put up a drip. So, the nurses struggling to find my vein. To repeat, the nurses at the Oncology unit are really superb. After two tries, Nurse D said her policy was always to then ask another nurse to take over after a couple of attempts. That way, her own feeling of loss of confidence would not harm me! Another nurse took over and after some difficulty managed to get the drip up. I was very touched by this utmost care - created by the easy collaboration and support between nurses. No ego, just genuine care for the patient.
As I left, Nurse D offered me a great image to help me keep my veins clear. She said "Imagine light, golden honey flowing through your veins, easily." I love it.
The weather has changed and the sun and warmth are back in Cape Town -  and Deborah is here to enjoy that too. Happy days.
As I write I feel the cloak of fatigue coming over me... Love to each one of you.

Notes from a couple days

First and most important - huge happiness to have Deborah with us. We came home late last night, Talia was sleeping at our house, Deborah woke her up with a hug - and there we were all four of us happily in the lounge drinking hot chocolate after midnight! We have not been all four together for too long. 

Early this morning I went to have my blood test. By 9:30 we were all at the oncologist - she had the blood test results in front of her. My blood count is one point too low to have chemo safely. It is ridiculous to feel disappointed not to be having chemo - but suddenly my carefully choreographed week of telecons etc must be shifted and some tension arises about being in good form for challenging work next week... discombobulating that is how it feels. However we looked at the pictures of the CT Scan - amazing to see the images via cross section,head on etc. And it is clear that the spots on the liver have diminished. Doctor examined me - all is well, I have put on weight. (I am not so happy about that but in the circumstances it is good and strengthening.)

A low blood count is known as 'paper toxicity' because the person cannot feel the difference and unless it is exceptionally low, everything feels fine. While dancing on Saturday night I felt so strong and energetic. O the very sly blood cells!

Now to the present moment which is Wednesday 8:35am - I have just returned from having another blood test and hope that this time I can have my chemo treatment! So in an hour I shall go to the oncology unit with my bag of goodies: laptop for some work, new Barbara Kingsolver novel (a perfect gift from Deborah) for relaxation, my Ipod for deeper meditative relaxation, some snacks and of course Sudoku! I will settle in to my comfortable chair and be thankful for the drip. Deborah will come and spend time with me too.

It has been wonderful to experience the depth of connection with Deborah and to explore our different experiences of the past few months. I begin to understand the eternal and inclusive thread of love. It has no sentimentality, it is of an entirely other order and is deeply satisfying. It is love that holds all manner of feelings such as fear, or grief, or loss, but is not those feelings. These intimate experiences and discoveries give me such joy.

Oh one more good thing: On Monday afternoon the oncologist phoned to tell me that the cancer marker blood test had come in and shows that there is a huge drop in score. This if wonderful news.

Have a happy day dear friends!

Lovely Monday, Without Horrid Chemicals Dripping Into Maryse

Monday, no chemo. Maryse's blood count was very slightly low to have her chemo - just a couple percent too low. Probably due to her cold. Most likely tomorrow will be OK for horrid chemicals to be dripped into her veins. Timing becomes newly tricky when trying to schedule chemo, figuring for several days of fatigue and down-time, and then scheduling work. A couple days late in the chemo means, maybe, having to deal with ill effects during work time. Delicate balance now that little things have knock-on implications that were not apparent in the previous incarnation.

ON THE OTHER HAND... We spent the day with Darling Daughter Deborah (hereafter referred to as DDD) cruising around the Peninsula a little and a casual lunch in Hout Bay. A Gift of a day although disappointing to M. Me, I was happy to have both daughters under our roof, family together for the first time in a long time. Sitting around the coffee table eating tapas was pretty blissful.

We hope for chemo tomorrow.

Deborah is arriving tonight!

My nose is still drippy and I feel so very well.
Last night was a particular joy dancing at Marian's birthday party.. a superb band with Rayelle creating magic on the violin,friends and a radiant sparkling Marian moving with free abandon..
While I danced I thought back to 6 or so weeks ago when Jen offered me that special chair dancing session. My body was just coming out of that major back pain and I had hardly any energy or stamina. Last night I so relished my energy, fluidity and 'fitness'! Magic.

It's Just a Runny Nose

the conundrum (see post below)

I flew to jo'burg today and was beginning to feel that delicate tickle in the back of the throat that heralds a dry sore throat, and my nose started literally dripping. Normally that would be 'so what' , take some Med lemon or influedo and carry on. But now circumstances are different, I have to take notice, I have to listen, get advice etc. First advice from my gorgeous gp - "go to bed and cancel work. You cannot afford to give the energy, you need it for yourself."
I listened - canceled my coaching appointment and went to bed. I phone Miriam and ask for a long distance attunement. We have an exquisite time of focus and stillness.
Cannot bear to cancel my programme tomorrow... phoned Steve - he wanted me to speak to the oncologist. I did. she says: "go to a doctor, be examined. Only the doctor can decide on examination if you need anti-biotics. Have a blood test."

Just A Cold!? (see post above)

Damn... I feel like a goddamn mother hen. Which I am, proudly, in some ways, but it was my mother who was the nag / worrywart, not me. Yeah, right.

So, Maryse has had a good report of her scan. Wonderful. Everything is on track. Wonderful! 06:30 off we go to the airport to drop off said wife for flight to Johannesburg and her Time To Think Foundation course (see plug). She is dropped off at the brand-spanking-new, state-of-the-art all bells-and-whistles Cape Town International Airport Departure drop-and-go. It is way impressive!

Then the  woman calls me a couple hours later: "I have a cold", she says  "it's really nothing, just a little head cold..." And I GO cold. Now usually, for a little sniffle we have our family nostrum - MedLemon! My favourite panacea - and this miracle is nothing more than vitamin C, menthol, caffeine and aspirin.  I love that it makes NO claims as to fixing anything, but just makes the victim feel better. And so it does. Good for when you cannot afford down time for a cold. But that was then, and this is now.

Giving thanks and moving right along...

I have loved Steve's blog entries.. and yes this morning when I took that call from the Oncology unit my heart was nearly pumping outside of my chest! It was good to hear the news and experience the confirmation and reality of having felt good and strong in my body. I am just passed the half way mark of the process and it is well. It wasn't a 'whooopeeee' kind of response, just quiet delight that everything is working together and shifts are happening. I am continually fascinated by the difference between my internal experience and that of everyone around me. you definitely provide the high and enthusiastic energy that I may be too cautious to express myself.

A GOOD REPORT!

Maryse just answered the phone ringing an hour ago - heart beating - it was oncologist Dr. Jill on the line. The report is that the lesions on her liver have shrunk - not sure how much, but shrunk, and no evidence of cancer elsewhere!!

Not out of the woods, but sunlight shining delightfully through the trees. Celebration!

No news so far!

FYI - Maryse had her CAT scan this morning, but we have not had results as of 5pm. Will post when we know more, probably tomorrow - Tuesday.

facing the scan

thank you for the wonderful comments, texts and emails. They each find their exact place in my heart and make my spirit sing.

Many of you comment on what you perceive as my 'courage' in walking this cancer territory. I don't really have an experience of being courageous or brave. For me this is just walking straight ahead and I have not yet experienced fear or anxiety. Life has never let me down - no matter what the situation. And I assume that courage is needed when fear or anxiety come calling. These two feelings come in different moments when I am dealing in areas where I have no great expertise - for instance confrontation, or having to back out of an agreement or giving unpleasant feedback. My stomach knots up, I don't sleep and I really have to call on 'courage'.

So now I have been curious about the anxiety I mentioned in facing tomorrow's scan. It is the first time I am actually going toward information consciously. Up to now all information that I received about the cancer was unexpected and sudden. I suppose there was no opportunity for anxiety before.

Reflecting on this, I asked myself what it is that I want for tomorrow. The answer came fast: I want to feel at ease. When I surveyed the assumptions that were stopping me from feeling at ease, this is what came up: that I will get 'bad news'; that I will lose my centering. Oh that is what the anxiety is about:that I would lose my centering. Then I asked myself if I thought it true that I would lose my centering and this wonderful rush of assurance arrived - I breathed out a long breath. Of course not. Being gently centered is part of who I am. I deeply know that. so my incisive question to myself is clear: If I knew that being gently centered is part of who I am, how will I feel .. (tomorrow in having the scan....) ? Gentle assurance has returned - no matter what information the scan shows up. Information is neither good nor bad - but always helpful in facing reality as it is.

Upcoming scan

So, we're in the normalish round of things, work, setting up things, garden, house, mother-in-law, repairs, the bank, maintaining things and maintain self - the usual round of stuff. It feels normal to me, with excitement raising around Deborah's time home for 2 short weeks from NYC. It is time for the firstborn daughter to be at home and get some sunshine and parental enfoldment. Trusting that spring has sprung, mostly ( except today) but then it's Cape Town and so hot-cold-hot-windy-exquisite is normalish too.

a harder week

This morning was one of those days when my gratitude for living in Cape Town just bursts wide open. Steve and I have just returned from a walk in Clifton/Camps Bay .. the Atlantic a magnificent turquoise, the sun warm, the breeze just right and early enough that there were not too many people about. Beauty all around. A luscious breakfast on the sea front and a gentle return saunter, followed by the magnificent drive home along the Twelve Apostle mountains and through Hout Bay. Divine! Sorry for those of you in the winter hemisphere.. come here!
This chemo week has been the hardest so far. Although the fatigue was not as intense, I experienced a low level debilitation in different ways. It may be the cumulative effect of the chemo, but my energy did not return with as much abundance as in the previous two sessions. I seem to go more into myself when I experience this, in a retreating kind of way. Mindfulness meditation and attunement have been stabilizing forces.

directly from the IV...

I am sitting in my comfortable chair in the oncology unit all hooked up to my various liquid formulae. It is very quiet and still. We are only 3 patients here today, the radio is quietly on KFM Radio - quite jolly, soon I will put on my iPod so I can listen to what I choose. This morning, very early, I had my blood test - it was the first time the nurse wasn't immediately successful in finding the vein, so we had to try again... not too bad. After blood test gym was my next stop. The circuit at Curves was nearly full with women doing what they call 'boot camp', with a very lively atmosphere and broad diversity of shapes - and effort! It was a good way to begin my day before chemo.

ChemoDay

I am just posting this, from when I went to visit Maryse midway through her treatment. Today's session was shorter as she has become used to the intensity of the chemicals being dripped in. I have now just brought her how - tired, but good. No doubt she will add something quite soon, but right now rest will be good. Three chemo sessions down, three to go.

chemo 3 coming up

It has been a wonderful week - starting with the last weekend at Stanford Valley (that Steve wrote about) made me so happy. I love being with our ever-deepening community of friends and also being on the land itself, planting all those tiny lavender seedlings.... Grow plants, Grow!
 
Saturday morning: I returned home late last night after my first real full-day of facilitation in Durban with a small executive group, a number of whom I had worked with before. My very favourite work - taking them through the meeting structure of the Thinking Environment.

Today Is A Placeholder

What? Well, several have asked, "What is happening"? And the
answer is, not much - in a good way.

We have had a wonderful, relaxed, weekend with the Stanfordian clan. Lots of laughter, a smidge of deep conversation, Valerie's World Premier of the video teaser for a potential TV series on Cape Town waterways. Very jolly and interesting. And we did some cooking together, made a little loaves-and-fishes magic (with snoek) Put together a floating jetty, after a few years of planning it, so that we can enjoy the dam even more. And there was lavender planting for our anticipated bountiful crop for distilling into essential oils.

So, it was happy, normal,good. Maryse has been engaged in her work this week before going back into the unknown of chemo 'Number 3' on Monday. So, on we cruise, with a little help from our friends.

Normal For Now

I am really enjoying the normalcy of today and the past little while. The wonderful wave of friends is now an ebb and flow... Maryse only had a day of fatigue after the chemo and then bounced back amazingly and is, at the moment of writing at the gym. Which by the way turns out to be great for those on chemo according to WebMd, the excellent source of reliable health related  info.

My anxiety is now at a manageably lower level, coming back in waves sometimes. So for now the sun is shining and all is quite well. Except maybe for my midnight confrontation with a very loud obnoxious neighbour - we got a bit heated. But probably it was good for my circulation, all the heart pumping that is.

The week of chemo 2

It was indeed a good week. Steve mentioned in a previous entry how I followed the same pattern of response to chemo as I did on the very first one. The fatigue, which came in on the second day after the chemo, was substantial but not as 'grand' and my energy returned gently and happily. Consistent attunements, given with such boundlessness by Miriam Platt and Howard Goodman keep the energy of love at its most focused - and seem to recalibrate my whole being. The most difficult part of this week is not wanting to eat nor drink - and I must. Steve lurks around me to see what I ingest and keeps plying me with new concoctions to nourish, give energy and keep my weight up.

I had to re-shave my head yesterday. And, yes, some hair is still growing, but in patches. I have begun to enjoy the sensation of touching this bald pate... things just change and change and change. I haven't yet had the courage to go out into the world without a head covering. I think it is about not wanting to stand out so boldly. Maybe in summer, when my poor head is just too sweltering under the various scarves and turbans, I will be weather compelled to go uncovered.

Positive Energy

Sister Claudia sent some positive energy (left), so I thought I'd pass it along!
It seems to be working  - so far ill effects of Monday's chemo have not shown up, as yet. We are waiting and watching. Last time it was 2 days after chemo that Maryse got so fatigued. Who knows?

Update 2 hours later... Fatigue hits. Almost exactly to the hour as it did 3 weeks ago. I guess the chemo has a particular route through the body.

While in chemo...

  I have so much to say this may take a few blog entries.

  I have started this blog in the chemotherapy room while hooked into my IV, once again gratefully welcoming the chemicals. Although busy, it is quiet, with an easeful atmosphere as the nurses move about efficiently but at a relaxed pace. Thank you all for the messages of support for this day.

  I will recapitulate the few last days because they have been so full and special. This last week my energy returned to almost vigour and my body has been so much more supple, and my heart high on celebration for my 60th  - and general good feelings!

  Hair loss has been an adventure of a very particular kind...

Chemo 2

It was a great weekend, M's 60th, plus beloved alt-daughter Tamryn's 30th. Celebrating the generations.

Maryse, now bald and getting into tying ornate turbans, was impatient to get going this morning. But strange feeling for me to drop her off at the oncology clinic, like dropping her  shopping or at the airport. "See ya later", as they inject the drug to relax her before starting to drip heavy metals into her system for six hours. Odd.

We are told that side-effects wary and are unpredictable. Better, worse, nausea, no nausea, other stuff... Back into the vast unknown Maryse and I go. AND, life goes on. I am still cleaning up after our little, so-called intimate 'come for drinks' evnt turned into a major party. NOT intended to scale up like that, but wonderful with heartfelt birthday tributes from friends. Thanks.

Maryse's Purple-ish 60th Birthday

Who'd have thunk it? Here we are, up to the eyeballs in so much intensity, and the birthdays keep coming, Yea! Sixty is a fine birthday to celebrate as we hit our stride, cancer and all. I am going to get old with this woman (though not too old too soon, if you know what I mean) that was my committment, and I mean to hold her to it. so if you wish to read and view further, there follows a poem, a video and the lyrics to a video. Yes?

Click HERE for my birthday card to my beloved bald woman

EEEK! The hair is falling out!

Yes, the hair is falling out - I started noticing it on Monday night, told Steve - and his face lightened up immediately! He said that he had a sense of relief that the chemo is working! Actually, it does feel like everything is going according to plan - except my timing is out by a couple of days! I have not yet learned to tie attractive head scarves in imaginative ways and Talia was going to shave my head on Saturday... can I wait? Emergency turban tying lessons needed.

a little thinking, a little dancing

Three weeks between chemo sessions feels quite long - I am now entering my third week which means that I feel pretty good ( and have been really happy to be driving again - I wasn't allowed to drive for a certain time because of the hysterectomy  - weak muscles.) I and am sort of anticipating the second session of chemo acknowledging what so many people say, that chemo is cumulative and that the reactions to it tend to intensify. So I will stay in the moment, and Be Here Now! 'BE HERE NOW'  is a talk that I heard  for the first time on a scratchy cassette of Baba Ram Dass that Steve made me listen to when we lived in Paris in 1970! Although I was a bit dubious at first, it sounded as if doing that meant denying what needed to be changed in the world.  I listened with some interest because, after all, I was in love with the man who said this was an important message! Here we are nearly 40 years later and that phrase rings truer than it ever has - but now it is also imbued with the understanding and experience of my own life. I have always held such tender gratitude for the door that Ram Dass opened in our lives, and that led to such fascinating and meaningful learning.

My dancing body is back again!

I am moving around in my body ready to dance!

Yesterday I was given the total gift of two hours with Doug Heel, a wonderful, physio-magic man / Muscle Activation specialist. Whatever Steve had said to him in asking him in making an appointment about my frozen back, must have worked. Doug sensed that the right thing to do was to come over – and he did - on a public holiday. I was totally captured by this young, radiant, focused and visionary man who has such brilliant skill.
With deft touch (read: "ouch-aaahhhh!) and sense of humour as well as superb understanding of a whole other level of how the body works… He moved me from living in an ever-shrinking space in my body to returning to the whole of it! Joy and tears to reconnect once again with a body that has done its best to survive and keep me going these many years, within the feeling and thought strictures that I have unknowingly imposed on it. I loved one of the things he said, which I cannot quote exactly, but was about him enabling people to free up their bodies into full activation so that their true selves could be well-housed. Thank you Sam for the connection to him.

An Ordinary Day

Today was a pretty ordinary day. Maryse had good energy, and it was warm & sunny, finally. We took the mother-in-law to Kalk Bay for lunch and then looking out to see if there were any whales visible in the bay. Saw a couple fins and maybe a tail. The whales clearly are attending to other things and must have forgotten our appointment to meet. Nice light lunch at the Olympia Cafe - Thai chicken soup, tasty. Looked through art galleries, bought a couple very low cost little pieces of creativity. Walked the street, enjoyed the first warm day in - how long? A fine thing to not feel chilled and our house is warm today, yea! Garden got cleaned, some visitors here, phone calls, and it was a good day overall.

The Energy Returns

Hey, I am BACK!

What a week it has been. After the one great day following chemo – I plunged into the deepest fatigue I have ever experienced. The sensation of all energy flowing out of every part of my system, not being able to do anything about it and letting myself experience this utter weakness… There wasn’t even the energy to wish things were different. Just as well. I think it means practicing the ability to surrender. No choice.

That night Marian came to Maryse-sit, while Steve went out – I was pampered exquisitely with gentle dinner, easeful backrub, poetry reading… aahh, FRIENDS. I do trust that you each know how much you are contributing to easing my experience. Each day I continue to receive myriad expressions of friendship that magically find their way to nurture and inspire me.

Yesterday, a little more strength. I have maintained my telephone coaching clients from Europe. These coaching hours are so generative, and give me so much joy, as I engage and celebrate the women facing their lives and challenges with fierce courage. The sessions are stimulating and give me an opportunity to keep a connection with work.

And now, as I write,

18th September

The end of my 60th birthday, found me at my i-Group (men's circle) where I told MY current piece of this story. It was very good to be surrounded and encompassed by men that I have history with. A fine, simple meal was provided, I had some rants, let off a bit of steam, got hugs and waswell honored on my 60th, followed by champagne and cake. I needed some good feeding of both food and man vibes. Good to let down my protective armor a bit. Gotta work on that.

Hugely pleased that Maryse, for the moment is only experiencing fatigue, not other side effects, other than a bit of loss of appetite.  I don't blame her for that...I made a really horrid soup last night, put me off too. In trying to cook too consciously and appropriately, I created something that went from stove to down-the-toilet without passing through people. Voila!

Two Days After Chemo

Great night, happy to say we both slept well, and I got my birthday hug just after midnight, which was really really nice.

We went out for a good breakfast, both of us, with Valerie Morris and Judy Bekker, our pals. But just that hour wiped Maryse out, with chemo induced fatigue. This was described to us as probable, although we somewhat thought it had been avoided, but no. So she's on the couch and on her bed and likely so stay there for today. Playing Beethoven I believe.

Chemo 101

Hello!
I really didn't think that I would be writing today but here I am. You guys are doing your work so well that it is working beyond my imagination! Thank you, thank you.

Yesterday was fine, really felt like the novice going in to the oncology clinic. 

I was happy to be the first patient there, and as some had told me, the nurses are terrific and the atmosphere - very fine. I so appreciated the nurse who hooked me up.  The care, the attention to detail and the very warm and engaging way in which she described me what she was doing, what to anticipate, etc. As the other patients came in, there were welcoming 'hello's' as people settled into their chairs and out came their knitting, magazines, etc. I was given an injection to relax and possibly sleep, then warming my arm so the vein would be easy to locate - all was a smooth procedure.

Back to home

Retrieved Maryse at 3:00pm after the six-hour dripfest. Quite a lot of relief in me to see her looking good, and feeling OK but so very tired. They told us to expect that.

Hard

Took Maryse to the oncology unit at Constantiaberg at 9:00, to the lounge-like setting where cancer patients receive their chemotherapy. It was to be a 5-6 hour long day in her chair. A good, caring atmosphere I thought, but still...

the day before first chemo experience

I love my new look too, even though I am still taken by surprise each time I go past the mirror!

I am relieved that tomorrow starts the chemo - because it is an action towards, another step forward to engage with.I look upon it as another initiation, a crossing of a threshold. I will know different things after that experience. These past 3 weeks have held a number of different levels of initiation - facing the word 'cancer' is one. That word comes with such a huge and powerful construct of beliefs and attitudes, with a jungle of feelings running through every space. I am acutely aware of walking quite a delicate path between being true to myself, listening honestly to my body, and feelings, and at the same time not taking on the whole overpowering cancer construct that is so present in the world and that can be seductive at the same time.

An afternoon at the hairdresser.

Well. what  to do? Should she wait for the hair to fall into pillow from the chemo? Rather, 'head them off at the pass'...  Off we rode to the legendary Peter The Haircutter  - a  man with some really creative chops, so to speak. (BTW: This is NOT an ad for Peter - because as I understand it he's got a quite a lengthy waiting list.)

And, perchance, should you wish to see the whole, way-cool creative hair-cutting process, click HERE for the 3 minute video. (I have fixed the soundtrack) It had a really fun sound track, until YouTube deleted the sound for  copyright violation...

Anyway, fun was had. Peter had carte blanch to create, and in the process turned Maryse facing away from the mirror, so only at the finale did she see the result. This had the added benefit of making it easier for me to shoot.

If ya gotta do something, do it in style.

moving forward

hello everyone and welcome to new friends, thank you for your messages and emails of love and support. Slowly my 'team' is coming together. yesterday morning I began the day with my first acupuncture treatment with Phil Burnham. It was a gentle time. Acupuncture can really provide a powerful support for the immune system and many other aspects of my health as I receive chemotherapy.

And I have happily begun my mindfulness meditation on the breath.Using Simon Whitesman's simple and gentle CD I am learning - just 15 minutes at a time for a start - to lightly keep the focus on my breath. I am a novice but that 15 minutes in the morning and in the evening make an incredible difference in my own sense of inner stillness. This afternoon I go for my new alternative short short short haircut! that will prepare me for my champagne and shave party soon!!And Monday I begin the Chemotherapy treatment - I have been asked to bring my own snack and lunch as I should be receiving medication via I V for about 5 to 6 hours! quite long. I will be well equipped with my current novel: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and interesting things to listen to on my Ipod - and occasional visitors. It is good to have had this time to get ready for this.

This is the short update - however if you want to read further do.....

Acting Balanced - a balancing act!

Amazing what some good sleep can do. Yesterday's great session with Dr. Simon W. gave us some great direction in ways to support Maryse's chemotherapy with mindfullness meditation, nutrition, acupuncture and other good-sense support. I feel more in focus and Maryse does too.

Friends: I ask that you think carefully before you send us suggestions for this or that healer, plant extract, diet, drops, visits to Mexico or South America and the rest.  I really do understand the love and care with which these are sent, but...

Down at the left is a link to Snopes, a clearinghouse for internet rumors. The link takes you to Snopes entertaining composite of medical misinformation flying around before showering us. I speak for myself of course.

Getting a grip!

Maryse and I spent a most stimulating and soothing hour in counseling with our good friend Dr. Simon Whitesman. Simon is compassionate and full of wisdom in body-mind medicine. He gives us great confidence around helping us to gather our resources and has been incredibly useful and straight forward. Having a medical practitioner operates this way is golden.

Especially one who says "Keep an open mind - but not so open that your brains fall out".

That's my kinda guy.

Monday...

Hello again everyone
Thanks for your very supportive comments on my writing – I never thought I would begin to be bold enough to write in such a public way!! I realize that one of the inhibitors is that I so want to make sure that I am connecting with each one of you. That is why it is easy to write individual emails because then I have a sense of ‘docking’ with you (docking as space ships do!) and the way I connect with each friend has a slight shift or individual colour that is to do with the unique aspect of our relationship. Judging from all your emails and blog comments I managed to do it collectively, Yay!

I feel as if I am waiting and waiting for the chemo to start… got to give my body a good chance to recover from the hysterectomy. The operation seems so much in the background now but I know my system deserves the time and gentle ease to renew from that trauma and to be strong enough to engage with the next part of the process.

hello everyone ! this is Maryse at last. those of you who know about me and writing will smile and appreciate what it means for me to out there in written words...... scary. but your love, messages, support are so wonderfully compelling, I just have to and also so that Steve stops nagging me to.

10 extraordinary days - an earthquake full of shock shudders - each shudder giving a tiny tiny insight into sadness, grief, fear and loss. Some of those feelings come up as a wave on occasion and recede . Mostly I feel well as I recover strongly from the hysterectomy. It is the strangest feeling to be told that I am very ill when I do not feel it ... weird

I have to describe to you the experience of being the recipient of your love, concern, support - I wish everyone could have that experience just for a moment... It was like being the centre of everyone's universe... floods of light around me, flowers everywhere I looked, being looked at by you with eyes of utter tenderness, potent love, laughing in assurance, and so experiencing my own grandness because of it. Did any of you every play the game when a person is placed on their back lying on the ground and their friends all put their hands underneath them and gently lift them up high above their heads and then sway them sweetly back and forth? it is both like being free and flying while being fully supported in a web of love - just blissful. That is what you let me experience this past week.

Added to that was the beginning awareness that I have seeded this love too and that part of it is my harvest. It was as if every appreciation, every honouring, every loving moment, every listening space that I have given to anyone at anytime was returned back to me a hundredfold. That feels so good. I have been true to myself and I am now being gifted by your fabulously generous support.

Please keep writing and sending stories, jokes, images and metaphors. I love it all.
Also if you have information about different treatments etc we are gathering information and will discern what is for me to do. I am happy with my oncologist and will gather the team around myself so that I can move into this phase of my life wholeheartedly with the most accurate support.

My life and that of those close to me has changed track and it is completely different - it is no less challenging, inspiring, surprising and deeply touching! Steve and Talia and Deborah are absolutely extraordinary in their clarity of love - what a gift!

well done to you who have read to the end!!

Thursday's Oncologist appointment

Well Friends, we didn't learn much different than we already knew, though in some more detail.

Maryse has endometrial cancer (originating in the uterus) manifesting in her liver. There are six spots on her liver and she will have to start chemotherapy as soon as she is well enough healed from the hysterectomy. At this time there is no spread evident. Since chemotherapy kills growing cells, it is not advisable to start sooner than 10 days from now or so. The first session is scheduled for the 14th of September.

Maryse is in otherwise excellent health, healing rapidly, strong and remarkably upbeat on facing this challenge - as she has faced other challenges.

She WILL lose her hair. For sure. Her decision is whether to have a champagne party and shave it off now, or go and have a stylish very short haircut and shave it later. Better than finding loads of hair on the pillow in the morning.

The chemo will be one session every 3 weeks for six cycles. Side effects are so variable, that her response will be unknown until it happens. Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, constipation, mouth ulcers are the some of the possible side effects. They might not happen, or might happen intensely.

And as for me, I am riding the shock waves. Each time I hear Maryse, almost brightly, explaining over and over, to each concerned friend who calls, I feel like I am being hit with a bat again and again. I guess I better get used to it.

So into the mystery we go. Maryse will continue to work, and will time her work in phase with the chemo.

That's the current state. Thanks - and by the way, please, if you are going to phone, not after 8PM or too early. Steve

Your thoughts

I/We are incredibly appreciative of the warmth flowing our way from you. The love has been a balm. So here we are pre-oncologist meeting today at 2pm. I am in suspended animation in every sense, not thinking too well at the moment. I hope to be thinking better later.

Intensity

Maryse's appointment with her gynecologist was moved up to today since a space opened up. And we have had a very intense day.

She had a scan on Thursday and the results showed cancer in her liver, most likely originating in the uterus. This is very scary for me, but we will move through this with your support and love. We have an appointment on Thursday the 3rd of September with the oncologist to see what the treatment will be.

We of course rely on your support to lubricate this phase of our journey. Steve

There has been such a wonderful outpouring of love for Maryse and support from our network everywhere - we are deeply appreciative of your generosity.

It is getting somewhat daunting to keep up with the many emails, sms-es and phone calls of support. Every one is appreciated, but it is getting increasingly harder and harder to respond to say ‘thanks’ and acknowledge that we have received your love. It is also getting more difficult to bring each one up to date in a way that answers questions and is reassuring.

So I am making a little place online: http://beingmaryse.blogspot.com/ that Maryse and I can post to for updates. So if you want to follow this journey that Maryse and the Baraks are on, visit that site to get updates and thoughts. Also you will be able to send your loving vibes that way too. In this way, we will be able to concentrate on what we have to do and be less concerned that we are making sure to connect with everyone who cares.

Hopefully this will be a good plan. If you will look there before calling for info it will help us.

AND, Maryse doesn’t want the flow of loving communication to stop, just that we may well not acknowledge your communication. Keep ‘em coming.