beginning eyebrows!

Yes it has been quite a long time since I last wrote. Meanwhile I see that there are a number of new people who have joined - welcome!

It is 3 weeks since my last (and final) chemo treatment and I am feeling GREAT. I swear there are tiny tiny hairs growing where my eyebrows are supposed to be. This pleases me immensely. I have become quite good at placing my false eyelashes so that they almost look real, and my hair is growing - about 5mms straight up and white!

Yesterday I was gifted with two gorgeous books: CrazySexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr and Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor also by Kris Carr. They are clever, useful, witty and touching. The author is in her early thirties so it is very orientated to that age - but the spirit of it just sparkles and last night as I was looking through them I was so enchanted by her energy and creativity. I resonated with the realistic and life affirming stance. And it made me laugh. (www.crazysexycancer.com)

Steve's thoughts about now.

My voice has been quiet lately on this blog. "Let Maryse tell her story", because I have done my job, set up the technical means, encouraged, pushed a little to make sure that she wrote. As always, I play the enabler and then back off. Sometimes that's appropriate and good, sometimes though, more is wanted from me. In this particular life-drama I am a central player.

Coming to the end of this chemo cycle, is scary for me too. It is like a hard journey across dry and unfamiliar rocky land,

Post chemo with a bang!

It has been a hard week. I last wrote on Wednesday anticipating my usual fatigue and then the gorgeous recovery. Ohhh expectations! that is the very stuff that takes me out of the present moment. It seems that the last chemo session was a unique one and it made me experience much of what I had missed over the last few months. So I got to have the yukky taste in my mouth, the great fatigue and the weakening diarrhea. Yes I am telling it like it is. I always have,  so there. The energy just wasn't coming back and I really had to further let go to the reality and be gentle with myself. I realize that I thought that I have been gentle quite a lot - enough already! On Saturday morning, thinking that I was feeling better I invited Steve to walk the Green Belt with me. 150 metres in I had to sit down, recover and return home. That was quite scary...

On the other side of chemo

As you know Monday was my last chemotherapy session of the cycle. I went early for my blood tests. My poor vein could not fill two small tubes of blood and so had to go into another for the rest. The blood count was good and so off I went for my last session with the oncologist and the chemo. It was good to speak with the oncologist about how weird this ending was feeling and what we do going forward. I was delighted to hear that she too has been reading the blog on occasion.
I had a little anxiety about the difficulty of putting up the drip - but it was easy and immediate. I settled in for a good read and slept for most of the day. Saying good bye and thanking the nurses as I left - was quite emotional with hugs all around. Although I was getting prepared for this ending it was in my head only. I did not anticipate the rush of feeling in me and the sense of stepping into another landscape more alone this time. The oncologist said that one could not believe that something as strange as chemo would become an attachment and provide such a sense of security. My cancer marker results are good. In a month I will have an abdominal scan to see the size of the cancer spots on the liver. But for now it is time to return to my life full heartedly.