Hair Loan

Darling Daughter Deborah departed for NYC, but not before sitting back-to-back and loaning her mother some hair momentarily. Yea! - Deb's plan is to come back to CT in February for a couple months. What a pleasure it was to have to her with us and to have her returning, if only for a while.

Meanwhile, personally, I prefer Maryse' clean-head look to the long brunette style. But that's me... 

Celebrating Deborah!

This has been a week of delight! Much entertaining in our cool and lush garden- friends, family, joyful ease and laughing conversations. I have 'come out' as a bald headed woman! Strange looks from some when walking in shopping centers and I am still surprised when I see myself in a mirror as I walk. But summer has really begun here and it is good to have a cool head!
Talia bought me some false eyelashes and we are learning to put them on.. Steve bravely attempted to paint on my eyebrows on Wednesday evening... 

4th chemo done!

Yes!! Only two more chemo sessions to go! And I am doing well.
It was very special to have Deborah with me for a few hours during Wednesday's chemo session.
I learned that chemo flowing through the veins damages them in some way and that makes it harder to locate a good one and to put up a drip. So, the nurses struggling to find my vein. To repeat, the nurses at the Oncology unit are really superb. After two tries, Nurse D said her policy was always to then ask another nurse to take over after a couple of attempts. That way, her own feeling of loss of confidence would not harm me! Another nurse took over and after some difficulty managed to get the drip up. I was very touched by this utmost care - created by the easy collaboration and support between nurses. No ego, just genuine care for the patient.
As I left, Nurse D offered me a great image to help me keep my veins clear. She said "Imagine light, golden honey flowing through your veins, easily." I love it.
The weather has changed and the sun and warmth are back in Cape Town -  and Deborah is here to enjoy that too. Happy days.
As I write I feel the cloak of fatigue coming over me... Love to each one of you.

Notes from a couple days

First and most important - huge happiness to have Deborah with us. We came home late last night, Talia was sleeping at our house, Deborah woke her up with a hug - and there we were all four of us happily in the lounge drinking hot chocolate after midnight! We have not been all four together for too long. 

Early this morning I went to have my blood test. By 9:30 we were all at the oncologist - she had the blood test results in front of her. My blood count is one point too low to have chemo safely. It is ridiculous to feel disappointed not to be having chemo - but suddenly my carefully choreographed week of telecons etc must be shifted and some tension arises about being in good form for challenging work next week... discombobulating that is how it feels. However we looked at the pictures of the CT Scan - amazing to see the images via cross section,head on etc. And it is clear that the spots on the liver have diminished. Doctor examined me - all is well, I have put on weight. (I am not so happy about that but in the circumstances it is good and strengthening.)

A low blood count is known as 'paper toxicity' because the person cannot feel the difference and unless it is exceptionally low, everything feels fine. While dancing on Saturday night I felt so strong and energetic. O the very sly blood cells!

Now to the present moment which is Wednesday 8:35am - I have just returned from having another blood test and hope that this time I can have my chemo treatment! So in an hour I shall go to the oncology unit with my bag of goodies: laptop for some work, new Barbara Kingsolver novel (a perfect gift from Deborah) for relaxation, my Ipod for deeper meditative relaxation, some snacks and of course Sudoku! I will settle in to my comfortable chair and be thankful for the drip. Deborah will come and spend time with me too.

It has been wonderful to experience the depth of connection with Deborah and to explore our different experiences of the past few months. I begin to understand the eternal and inclusive thread of love. It has no sentimentality, it is of an entirely other order and is deeply satisfying. It is love that holds all manner of feelings such as fear, or grief, or loss, but is not those feelings. These intimate experiences and discoveries give me such joy.

Oh one more good thing: On Monday afternoon the oncologist phoned to tell me that the cancer marker blood test had come in and shows that there is a huge drop in score. This if wonderful news.

Have a happy day dear friends!

Lovely Monday, Without Horrid Chemicals Dripping Into Maryse

Monday, no chemo. Maryse's blood count was very slightly low to have her chemo - just a couple percent too low. Probably due to her cold. Most likely tomorrow will be OK for horrid chemicals to be dripped into her veins. Timing becomes newly tricky when trying to schedule chemo, figuring for several days of fatigue and down-time, and then scheduling work. A couple days late in the chemo means, maybe, having to deal with ill effects during work time. Delicate balance now that little things have knock-on implications that were not apparent in the previous incarnation.

ON THE OTHER HAND... We spent the day with Darling Daughter Deborah (hereafter referred to as DDD) cruising around the Peninsula a little and a casual lunch in Hout Bay. A Gift of a day although disappointing to M. Me, I was happy to have both daughters under our roof, family together for the first time in a long time. Sitting around the coffee table eating tapas was pretty blissful.

We hope for chemo tomorrow.

Deborah is arriving tonight!

My nose is still drippy and I feel so very well.
Last night was a particular joy dancing at Marian's birthday party.. a superb band with Rayelle creating magic on the violin,friends and a radiant sparkling Marian moving with free abandon..
While I danced I thought back to 6 or so weeks ago when Jen offered me that special chair dancing session. My body was just coming out of that major back pain and I had hardly any energy or stamina. Last night I so relished my energy, fluidity and 'fitness'! Magic.

It's Just a Runny Nose

the conundrum (see post below)

I flew to jo'burg today and was beginning to feel that delicate tickle in the back of the throat that heralds a dry sore throat, and my nose started literally dripping. Normally that would be 'so what' , take some Med lemon or influedo and carry on. But now circumstances are different, I have to take notice, I have to listen, get advice etc. First advice from my gorgeous gp - "go to bed and cancel work. You cannot afford to give the energy, you need it for yourself."
I listened - canceled my coaching appointment and went to bed. I phone Miriam and ask for a long distance attunement. We have an exquisite time of focus and stillness.
Cannot bear to cancel my programme tomorrow... phoned Steve - he wanted me to speak to the oncologist. I did. she says: "go to a doctor, be examined. Only the doctor can decide on examination if you need anti-biotics. Have a blood test."

Just A Cold!? (see post above)

Damn... I feel like a goddamn mother hen. Which I am, proudly, in some ways, but it was my mother who was the nag / worrywart, not me. Yeah, right.

So, Maryse has had a good report of her scan. Wonderful. Everything is on track. Wonderful! 06:30 off we go to the airport to drop off said wife for flight to Johannesburg and her Time To Think Foundation course (see plug). She is dropped off at the brand-spanking-new, state-of-the-art all bells-and-whistles Cape Town International Airport Departure drop-and-go. It is way impressive!

Then the  woman calls me a couple hours later: "I have a cold", she says  "it's really nothing, just a little head cold..." And I GO cold. Now usually, for a little sniffle we have our family nostrum - MedLemon! My favourite panacea - and this miracle is nothing more than vitamin C, menthol, caffeine and aspirin.  I love that it makes NO claims as to fixing anything, but just makes the victim feel better. And so it does. Good for when you cannot afford down time for a cold. But that was then, and this is now.

Giving thanks and moving right along...

I have loved Steve's blog entries.. and yes this morning when I took that call from the Oncology unit my heart was nearly pumping outside of my chest! It was good to hear the news and experience the confirmation and reality of having felt good and strong in my body. I am just passed the half way mark of the process and it is well. It wasn't a 'whooopeeee' kind of response, just quiet delight that everything is working together and shifts are happening. I am continually fascinated by the difference between my internal experience and that of everyone around me. you definitely provide the high and enthusiastic energy that I may be too cautious to express myself.

A GOOD REPORT!

Maryse just answered the phone ringing an hour ago - heart beating - it was oncologist Dr. Jill on the line. The report is that the lesions on her liver have shrunk - not sure how much, but shrunk, and no evidence of cancer elsewhere!!

Not out of the woods, but sunlight shining delightfully through the trees. Celebration!

No news so far!

FYI - Maryse had her CAT scan this morning, but we have not had results as of 5pm. Will post when we know more, probably tomorrow - Tuesday.

facing the scan

thank you for the wonderful comments, texts and emails. They each find their exact place in my heart and make my spirit sing.

Many of you comment on what you perceive as my 'courage' in walking this cancer territory. I don't really have an experience of being courageous or brave. For me this is just walking straight ahead and I have not yet experienced fear or anxiety. Life has never let me down - no matter what the situation. And I assume that courage is needed when fear or anxiety come calling. These two feelings come in different moments when I am dealing in areas where I have no great expertise - for instance confrontation, or having to back out of an agreement or giving unpleasant feedback. My stomach knots up, I don't sleep and I really have to call on 'courage'.

So now I have been curious about the anxiety I mentioned in facing tomorrow's scan. It is the first time I am actually going toward information consciously. Up to now all information that I received about the cancer was unexpected and sudden. I suppose there was no opportunity for anxiety before.

Reflecting on this, I asked myself what it is that I want for tomorrow. The answer came fast: I want to feel at ease. When I surveyed the assumptions that were stopping me from feeling at ease, this is what came up: that I will get 'bad news'; that I will lose my centering. Oh that is what the anxiety is about:that I would lose my centering. Then I asked myself if I thought it true that I would lose my centering and this wonderful rush of assurance arrived - I breathed out a long breath. Of course not. Being gently centered is part of who I am. I deeply know that. so my incisive question to myself is clear: If I knew that being gently centered is part of who I am, how will I feel .. (tomorrow in having the scan....) ? Gentle assurance has returned - no matter what information the scan shows up. Information is neither good nor bad - but always helpful in facing reality as it is.

Upcoming scan

So, we're in the normalish round of things, work, setting up things, garden, house, mother-in-law, repairs, the bank, maintaining things and maintain self - the usual round of stuff. It feels normal to me, with excitement raising around Deborah's time home for 2 short weeks from NYC. It is time for the firstborn daughter to be at home and get some sunshine and parental enfoldment. Trusting that spring has sprung, mostly ( except today) but then it's Cape Town and so hot-cold-hot-windy-exquisite is normalish too.

a harder week

This morning was one of those days when my gratitude for living in Cape Town just bursts wide open. Steve and I have just returned from a walk in Clifton/Camps Bay .. the Atlantic a magnificent turquoise, the sun warm, the breeze just right and early enough that there were not too many people about. Beauty all around. A luscious breakfast on the sea front and a gentle return saunter, followed by the magnificent drive home along the Twelve Apostle mountains and through Hout Bay. Divine! Sorry for those of you in the winter hemisphere.. come here!
This chemo week has been the hardest so far. Although the fatigue was not as intense, I experienced a low level debilitation in different ways. It may be the cumulative effect of the chemo, but my energy did not return with as much abundance as in the previous two sessions. I seem to go more into myself when I experience this, in a retreating kind of way. Mindfulness meditation and attunement have been stabilizing forces.