On the other side of chemo

As you know Monday was my last chemotherapy session of the cycle. I went early for my blood tests. My poor vein could not fill two small tubes of blood and so had to go into another for the rest. The blood count was good and so off I went for my last session with the oncologist and the chemo. It was good to speak with the oncologist about how weird this ending was feeling and what we do going forward. I was delighted to hear that she too has been reading the blog on occasion.
I had a little anxiety about the difficulty of putting up the drip - but it was easy and immediate. I settled in for a good read and slept for most of the day. Saying good bye and thanking the nurses as I left - was quite emotional with hugs all around. Although I was getting prepared for this ending it was in my head only. I did not anticipate the rush of feeling in me and the sense of stepping into another landscape more alone this time. The oncologist said that one could not believe that something as strange as chemo would become an attachment and provide such a sense of security. My cancer marker results are good. In a month I will have an abdominal scan to see the size of the cancer spots on the liver. But for now it is time to return to my life full heartedly.

Right now I feel a little queazy from the chemo and tentative about what I have let go of. Although I am well, I feel more solitary, no more medical team back of me. As the hair, eyelashes and eyebrows return I learn to live with the ordinary wondrous every day yet keep aware of any sign that may tell me about further cancer growth. Weird. And from this side of chemo I realize that however subtly it snaked its way in - I did take on a partial identity of 'someone who has cancer' and now need to let that go.
What I realized with some surprise yesterday was that although I love the process of closure and making sure that it is well done so that the new can emerge unfettered, I did not do this for myself. Writing these few paragraphs is a way of bringing this cycle to an end. Yesterday when the oncologist phoned with my cancer marker results it was a great opportunity to tell her how I appreciated her ability to be so connective and straight talking, her impeccable specificity and her acknowledgement of what is unknown. 
Another aspect of closure is looking back with gratitude at all the levels of learning that I have experienced and what has changed in me because of it. The Maryse that is walking into this new territory is not the same one that stepped into the cancer experience in August. Life keeps inviting more freedom of expression and assurance and that comes from stepping out into the unknown. I think that it is easier to do this when the territories are so clearly demarcated. Even as I am writing these words I experience the releasing of this initial cycle and the beginning of increasing space for the new. It is a good way to start the new year!