the day before first chemo experience

I love my new look too, even though I am still taken by surprise each time I go past the mirror!

I am relieved that tomorrow starts the chemo - because it is an action towards, another step forward to engage with.I look upon it as another initiation, a crossing of a threshold. I will know different things after that experience. These past 3 weeks have held a number of different levels of initiation - facing the word 'cancer' is one. That word comes with such a huge and powerful construct of beliefs and attitudes, with a jungle of feelings running through every space. I am acutely aware of walking quite a delicate path between being true to myself, listening honestly to my body, and feelings, and at the same time not taking on the whole overpowering cancer construct that is so present in the world and that can be seductive at the same time.


People have been asking me about my feelings. Fear is not one them. What does come frequently in waves of different intensity is sadness. Sadness that wells up from deep deep down and is mostly to do with possible future loss. Images of thing I want to yet experience.... so I cry and that feels good. Crying is not something I do easily (I cry at beauty or when I am deeply moved) for myself and I have wanted to open that gateway for a long time! It is opening.

Letting go - that has been the tough lesson. Especially letting go of work that I love and the joy that it brings. I can't even describe the sensation of letting it go with a blessing. Very hard - had to keep remembering the key I was told long long ago - 'in giving all, nothing is lost'. I have been repeating that to myself a lot! I am so glad that there is work that I will be returning to later in October as I figure out how I respond to the chemo and how I use the days in between intelligently.

Most of all though this is an extraordinary time of testing out what I know and have believed for so long. And the wonder is, that it works... There is always, always opportunity to open up, to give gratitude, and let go my various screw-ups.

I have had some wondrous visits this week, where I sort of test my new thoughts with friends who listen so exquisitely - and ask good straight questions. Thank you. Please keep your emails coming - I relish them.

It is my beloved husband's birthday on Wednesday - he is 60! I have been held in his utter loving respect and care for a long long long time. His zany humour and quirky way of seeing make me laugh and teach me to go outside of my usual pathways. He is spontaneously and utterly generous, and has a capacity for loving that is unmatched. I love his way of being fearlessly straight about what he thinks especially when it goes contrary to the current! I am writing about him today because I have no idea how I will feel on his birthday ... His care and protection for me in this time enables me to explore and experiment and be me.

I will be back with you all soon soon.