a little thinking, a little dancing

Three weeks between chemo sessions feels quite long - I am now entering my third week which means that I feel pretty good ( and have been really happy to be driving again - I wasn't allowed to drive for a certain time because of the hysterectomy  - weak muscles.) I and am sort of anticipating the second session of chemo acknowledging what so many people say, that chemo is cumulative and that the reactions to it tend to intensify. So I will stay in the moment, and Be Here Now! 'BE HERE NOW'  is a talk that I heard  for the first time on a scratchy cassette of Baba Ram Dass that Steve made me listen to when we lived in Paris in 1970! Although I was a bit dubious at first, it sounded as if doing that meant denying what needed to be changed in the world.  I listened with some interest because, after all, I was in love with the man who said this was an important message! Here we are nearly 40 years later and that phrase rings truer than it ever has - but now it is also imbued with the understanding and experience of my own life. I have always held such tender gratitude for the door that Ram Dass opened in our lives, and that led to such fascinating and meaningful learning.

Yesterday, our good friend and dance teacher extraordinaire, Jenny van Pappendorp, gave me the gift of a Chair Dancing lesson! For an hour, sitting opposite each other, she led me in stretches, and then dancing, mirror dancing and witnessing each other improvise..... all to beautiful music. I was transported with delight at the reconnection with the natural joy that my body experiences when it moves, dances and creates in space. Jenny created a container of such safety that enabled intimacy and freedom.... a gift indeed.

I am learning to befriend fatigue.

I am still surprised when I feel tired and have to remember that my body is really working very hard all the time - manufacturing blood cells, marrow etc, and that that takes a lot of energy. I forget.

I have received profoundly beautiful emails from a number of you. Thank you. I have been thinking about what some say about their experience of entering my world and also that I have permission to be sad, angry etc. I find it hugely helpful to welcome you into my world, it is useful for me to articulate aspects of it. The helpful part of this blog is that I can be as truthful as I know how. I also know what I will NOT be writing about, such as traumatic constipation and other more private difficulties! (someone dared me to write about the constipation! Don't worry - this is as far as I go on that topic.) This part of my life is a huge practice-time of living out assumptions that I hold to be true. The largest one of these is : 'All is Well' - and equally I hold that I can feel sad  - and all is well, and I can feel anxious  - and all is well ... and on and on. This is hugely important to me. What I so love in your comments  is the spirit of that same attitude: "All is well".