new thoughts

Tomorrow is chemo no. 5 - if my blood count is good. I hope it is. My body is strong and getting fit, my muscles slowly regaining their tone. Sometimes this thought flashes by: "If my body is so resilient and strong, maybe the cancer cells are too". As I said, it just flashes by.

My work in Johannesburg and Pretoria last week went very well. Once a 'container' is set, an ethos of respect is engendered  - and genuinely agreed to - people willingly show themselves, their stories, their best thinking and naturally appreciate one another. For me, as facilitator, this is real 'food' - of a certain kind. It lifts my heart and deepens my belief that human beings are indeed worthy and courageous. Excellent and meaningful conversations begin to happen.

At the end of the first day of that workshop, a Muslim woman came to speak to me, her head fully covered in her black headdress. She said that she wanted to show me something and took her head covering off. Her thick' curly shoulder length hair freely tumbled out, and she said: "Five years ago - I was just like you, I had lost all my hair, my eyebrows and my lashes. I wanted to show you how wonderfully it all grows back."  A gift.

The challenge that I face, and that I have not written about, is learning how to care for and take responsibility for my mother who is walking the road of increasing dementia. Many of you know that the challenge of this relationship has always been there for me, but now compounded by the increased involvement that I must have in her life. I choose not to write about this, for reasons of privacy and respect. It remains though, a continuous lesson for me of learning ease in the midst of my old patterns of behaviour. Learning to let go - of frustrations and, and, and... This is definitely my arena most demanding of mindfulness and the continual requirement of my ability to let go.
Being bald is definitely noticeable! I am getting much better at walking around in public places and being more at ease in myself. But sometimes the looks  - or the avoidance of looks - is weird. It is very different to be bald when you have eyelashes and eyebrows. Then a woman who is bald can be striking and quite handsome. But,  no eyebrows or lashes makes me look a little like an alien  - and a cancer patient. Yea for false eyelashes, that I am learning to put on with increasing skill. Another thing... Sneezing is weird. You know how the eyes shut automatically for a split second? Well with too much glue for the lashes - the eyelid sticks!! So many of these little aspects of this whole experience cause me to keep building resilience and confidence and add to the understanding of what is important and what is not.

Have had a fabulous week end. Very early morning walks on the beach and my first delicious swim of the season. Just glorious!

Please hold the thought of honey dripping into my veins tomorrow - an easy connection to the drip and a relaxing day on my Lazy-boy chair at the Oncology unit.