shifting gears

Yes, it is a whole month since my last post. A full and wonderful month it has been with my hair growing back beautifully.The eyebrows that I have been longing for have returned, and now even my eyelashes have put in an appearance. I feel physically very strong and fit.

A month ago when I got the results of my scan I had a very different experience from all those around me. I was surrounded by people's huge delight and celebration for the news. My response as I described was happy and modest - it just felt like the next step. I even stepped on to the edge of feeling guilty that I was not as overjoyed as others. Certainly, I felt content and assured. What kept going through my mind was a quote from the Bhagavat Gita - 'In joy not overjoyed, in sorrow not dejected'.  It is not a loss to not experience 'overjoy'. For me, having the experience of that kind of huge joy is a response to the surge of adrenalin that comes with deep relief that one's hidden fear has been wrong all along. So in a way, it is more about relief  than delight. I don't know if that makes any sense to you. I didn't experience  'relief' because I hadn't feel anxiety. When I do come face to face with that fear and the rush of adrenalin is when our daughters are experiencing sorrow or big difficulty in their journeys. To maintain my internal balance and equanimity in the face of this remains a real challenge for me. Parenting is one of the forever learning journeys!

So I move forward in health, knowing that there is cancer in my liver. Feeling so healthy makes it quite hard to be disciplined in my eating habits,  I have some work to do in letting go of sweet things etc. I am challenged to remain conscious of my patterns of rest and balance. These continue to be the lessons. Steve is researching and discussing with the oncologist any other methods of healing the cancer that remains. There may be interesting options.

I have met others on the start of their cancer experiences with whom I can share my story, listen to theirs and offer support and encouragement. I love the sense of service in this. Each person's experience is so very individual yet I can partner them with ease and assurance.

Looking back the whole experience has taken on dream-like qualities, a little like a movie that really engaged you fully when you saw it, but we are even out of the cinema now. Highlights stand out - too many to mention, most having to do with you and the gifts born of your encouraging and loving attention. I have been seen in a way that we could each constantly offer each other. The cancer mat arise again....That is possible. I say this because I feel secure in a reality that holds much unknown - it is good to feel increasingly comfortable in uncertainty. In fact everything is uncertain for everyone - I celebrate having a little of the certainty illusion dissipated for me.

I will keep the blog, but I may only post once a month or so. Steve has convinced me that it is worthwhile. I think he is right. Even when I am not writing I am thinking 'blog' and it serves to help me reflect. It also makes me acutely aware of the loving network of which I am a part.  Thank you each one for the unique ways in which you have offered me care -  I love going over all the names of the 'followers' - I get such a sense of delight from seeing your name and/or your picture.
Blessings to each one! Cheers.