facing the scan

thank you for the wonderful comments, texts and emails. They each find their exact place in my heart and make my spirit sing.

Many of you comment on what you perceive as my 'courage' in walking this cancer territory. I don't really have an experience of being courageous or brave. For me this is just walking straight ahead and I have not yet experienced fear or anxiety. Life has never let me down - no matter what the situation. And I assume that courage is needed when fear or anxiety come calling. These two feelings come in different moments when I am dealing in areas where I have no great expertise - for instance confrontation, or having to back out of an agreement or giving unpleasant feedback. My stomach knots up, I don't sleep and I really have to call on 'courage'.

So now I have been curious about the anxiety I mentioned in facing tomorrow's scan. It is the first time I am actually going toward information consciously. Up to now all information that I received about the cancer was unexpected and sudden. I suppose there was no opportunity for anxiety before.

Reflecting on this, I asked myself what it is that I want for tomorrow. The answer came fast: I want to feel at ease. When I surveyed the assumptions that were stopping me from feeling at ease, this is what came up: that I will get 'bad news'; that I will lose my centering. Oh that is what the anxiety is about:that I would lose my centering. Then I asked myself if I thought it true that I would lose my centering and this wonderful rush of assurance arrived - I breathed out a long breath. Of course not. Being gently centered is part of who I am. I deeply know that. so my incisive question to myself is clear: If I knew that being gently centered is part of who I am, how will I feel .. (tomorrow in having the scan....) ? Gentle assurance has returned - no matter what information the scan shows up. Information is neither good nor bad - but always helpful in facing reality as it is.