Notes from a couple days

First and most important - huge happiness to have Deborah with us. We came home late last night, Talia was sleeping at our house, Deborah woke her up with a hug - and there we were all four of us happily in the lounge drinking hot chocolate after midnight! We have not been all four together for too long. 

Early this morning I went to have my blood test. By 9:30 we were all at the oncologist - she had the blood test results in front of her. My blood count is one point too low to have chemo safely. It is ridiculous to feel disappointed not to be having chemo - but suddenly my carefully choreographed week of telecons etc must be shifted and some tension arises about being in good form for challenging work next week... discombobulating that is how it feels. However we looked at the pictures of the CT Scan - amazing to see the images via cross section,head on etc. And it is clear that the spots on the liver have diminished. Doctor examined me - all is well, I have put on weight. (I am not so happy about that but in the circumstances it is good and strengthening.)

A low blood count is known as 'paper toxicity' because the person cannot feel the difference and unless it is exceptionally low, everything feels fine. While dancing on Saturday night I felt so strong and energetic. O the very sly blood cells!

Now to the present moment which is Wednesday 8:35am - I have just returned from having another blood test and hope that this time I can have my chemo treatment! So in an hour I shall go to the oncology unit with my bag of goodies: laptop for some work, new Barbara Kingsolver novel (a perfect gift from Deborah) for relaxation, my Ipod for deeper meditative relaxation, some snacks and of course Sudoku! I will settle in to my comfortable chair and be thankful for the drip. Deborah will come and spend time with me too.

It has been wonderful to experience the depth of connection with Deborah and to explore our different experiences of the past few months. I begin to understand the eternal and inclusive thread of love. It has no sentimentality, it is of an entirely other order and is deeply satisfying. It is love that holds all manner of feelings such as fear, or grief, or loss, but is not those feelings. These intimate experiences and discoveries give me such joy.

Oh one more good thing: On Monday afternoon the oncologist phoned to tell me that the cancer marker blood test had come in and shows that there is a huge drop in score. This if wonderful news.

Have a happy day dear friends!