The week of chemo 2

It was indeed a good week. Steve mentioned in a previous entry how I followed the same pattern of response to chemo as I did on the very first one. The fatigue, which came in on the second day after the chemo, was substantial but not as 'grand' and my energy returned gently and happily. Consistent attunements, given with such boundlessness by Miriam Platt and Howard Goodman keep the energy of love at its most focused - and seem to recalibrate my whole being. The most difficult part of this week is not wanting to eat nor drink - and I must. Steve lurks around me to see what I ingest and keeps plying me with new concoctions to nourish, give energy and keep my weight up.

I had to re-shave my head yesterday. And, yes, some hair is still growing, but in patches. I have begun to enjoy the sensation of touching this bald pate... things just change and change and change. I haven't yet had the courage to go out into the world without a head covering. I think it is about not wanting to stand out so boldly. Maybe in summer, when my poor head is just too sweltering under the various scarves and turbans, I will be weather compelled to go uncovered.

Serena, my beloved wise and fun elder sent me the following quote from Dr. Andrew Weil:

"Although there is no one state of mind that correlates exactly with activation of the healing system, a consistent theme in the interviews is acceptance of illness rather than struggle. Acceptance of illness is often a part of a larger acceptance of self that represents a significant mental shift, a shift that can initiate transformation of personality and with it the healing of disease... most people do not go through life in an accepting mode. Instead they are in a state of perpetual confrontation, trying by imposition of will to shape events and control situations... acceptance, submission, surrender - whatever one chooses to call it, this mental shift may be the master key that unlocks healing."

I realize that acceptance is a life long work and there are many levels to it in a single moment. I think that a couple weeks ago when my body froze up and was so stiff and painful was evidence of my lack of acceptance at deeper levels. Fear and anxiety causing everything in me to go into narrow survival mode. Acceptance seems to be a continual internal conversation that demands of me a depth of listening that is quite new. It is listening to the voices of non-acceptance, so that they can have the relief of being heard and so let go. This morning Steve and I went on our first walk on the beautiful green belt in Constantia. I started out with vigour and delight. Walks in places of ever-changing beauty are wonderful for quiet and for good conversation. And it was so. We were only a third of the way into the walk when I began to hear the internal messages of 'Enough - Energy drop!' My practice for today was accepting the truth that my body was speaking. Letting go my ambition to show how energetic and well I am, and to accept the current energy state with grace and support. We turned around and headed back.

This week I begin to work again! It feels like a celebration. I will note carefully how my energy ebbs and rises. I have made arrangements to be shuttled everywhere and the work is the love of my heart, mostly the Thinking Environment. This time of working with cancer has made me acutely aware of the absolute necessity of going towards what I love, what generates energy and what I can realistically handle well. So I have decided to to decline work that generates high anxiety or that doesn't feel like mine to do.  I am learning to say no. This is not easy for me, and it brings up all sorts of worm-like assumptions about 'letting people down', etc. Maybe part of my feeling of lightheartedness is because I am dismantling a few of my old stuck patterns, and so there is more life flow. My present situation enables changes to happen far more easily.

Note: To my kind friends who text me such loving messages, but don't sign their names - PLEASE SIGN YOUR NAME! My dear phone is erratic in showing callers, and texters, names, so I am left wondering who you are!

Thank you, each one, for the consistent and loving connection that nourishes me so deeply.