While in chemo...

  I have so much to say this may take a few blog entries.

  I have started this blog in the chemotherapy room while hooked into my IV, once again gratefully welcoming the chemicals. Although busy, it is quiet, with an easeful atmosphere as the nurses move about efficiently but at a relaxed pace. Thank you all for the messages of support for this day.

  I will recapitulate the few last days because they have been so full and special. This last week my energy returned to almost vigour and my body has been so much more supple, and my heart high on celebration for my 60th  - and general good feelings!

  Hair loss has been an adventure of a very particular kind...
  Day after day, more and more hair fell out. By Friday night it was clear that is was my last night  with hair - very thin hair, granted, but still, it did completely cover my head. Waking up on my birthday, on Saturday, the pillow and bed was full of hair and when I showered masses more fell out! We had to rake it out of the shower so that it didn't clog the drain!  By then I was really looking quite ratty... and couldn't wait for Talia to arrive, to shave my head at her very sweet, and professional hand.. She is such a professional. Draping the black hairdresser's cape around me she began to shave her mother's head. We were on the front stoep on a most exquisite warm sunny Cape day. On and on she shaved. Steve, as usual, took pics through it all. At one point Talia left my top hair on as a very pathetic punkish Mohawk! She called it a 'faux-hawk'!  When I finally looked in the mirror, I thought "Hey, my head shape is quite good"! Though I must admit that touching my newly-birthed white, white scalp gave me the absolute 'ggrills'!! (Note: a South African word, where the g is pronounced ggghhh, (Steve says like when you try to get the mucus from the back of your throat)) and it means feeling yucky all-over) Talia said that shaving my head was quite a difficult experience for her - I didn't get this until she told me.

  It was a good day of visits, sunshine, presents and gently getting myself and the house ready to receive a few friends to celebrate my birthday. This turned out to be one of, if not THE best birthday celebrations I have ever had! I was happy, happy, happy. I received exquisite words of deep appreciation from friends and Jonathan Rands read a poem that he had written for me, on my card. I include it below because it comes from the purest heart and finds its mark like a true, loving arrow.

To Maryse on your 60th birthday

From a distance first

a little way

afraid in fact

of a soul so fine

so full of all that's right

a light that shines the way

for all who yearn to see beyond

the snags and coruscations of an ordinary life.

and so with anxious heart

I moved towards

your huge embrace

to be graced and held

by life itself

and glad I am and proud

to stand beside you

with you now

amidst a privilege of friends

Maryse, we hold you

as you hold us

strengthen you

as you strengthen us

love you, love you. love you

as you love us.

  Is that not beautiful?

  And then, in another moment of beauty, lightheartedness and fun, everyone sang ''With a Little Help From My Friends'  alternative lyrics brilliantly re-written for the occasion by Judith Wurtzel. She handed out the song sheets and everybody sang! It was a magical and very funny experience - and true. I spoke a little and even took my scarf off and flashed my naked head for all to see. It was so helpful to be seen by friends with eyes of love that see beauty regardless! A later highlight was Lerato MMutle giving me her and Dan Goodman's birthday present - a striking and handsome fabric cut to be used as head gear - she placed and arranged it on my head as a demonstration - I felt as if I was being crowned!

It was a divine evening of generosity, friendship and laughter. I am learning to receive - and it is as if a greater receiving space has opened up within me. When the gorgeous Doug Heel was here he taught me to breathe really deeply with my belly. He pointed out how I breathe in a generally small amounts yet I have a long, long out-breath. What was the implication of that? He pointed out that I need to take in more air with joy and eagerness. I think this may have something to do with creating a larger capacity to receive without embarrassment.

  I am writing this on Tuesday - the chemotherapy yesterday went well and I am feeling really good today. I am anticipating deep fatigue, but somehow when you know what to anticipate, it makes things easier. There is much more to say but it will have to wait. Just one thing: Last Friday night Steve and I were privileged to go to St. George's Cathedral in Cape Town to listen to Toumani Diabate the Malian kora master musician. His music was transcendent. 21 strings weaving sounds of soaring beauty and power.. Through it all as my tears came, I kept hearing amongst the notes: "All is very good. ALL is very good. All IS very good, All is very GOOD" And this has stayed with me ever since.